Here's how to talk about death openly and honestly. This isn't a conversation anyone wants to have. Doctors, nurses, people who work in healthcare, and family members don't want to talk about it, so it's not talked about.
People don't know how to discuss death, so in this post, I'm going to explain how to have a difficult conversation about death and dying.
I have had this conversation with numerous people, especially family. It has been my experience that when we discuss death openly, it helps people make better, more informed decisions about their own lives and notifies others of their wishes.
The initial energy can be awkward. Some people are generally afraid. Some people culturally feel that talking about death will manifest or hasten death in their lives.
Although there may be some initial resistance, most people are glad to meet someone who is finally willing to speak openly about their end of life. When I approached my dad about this topic, he initially tried to avoid it. At the time, he was in the hospital suffering from COPD and breathing difficulties. I expressed my concerns and informed him that my brother and I would be responsible for making his final decisions. The thought of losing control over his own choices prompted him to change his mind, and he wanted to participate in his end-of-life planning. I’m glad he did, as he was later diagnosed with prostate cancer and passed away shortly after.
How To Talk To Someone About Death and Dying
- Create the right environment. Ensure the environment is calm and a place where you can speak freely without interruptions.
- Set aside time. Block at least an hour of uninterrupted time so everyone can have time to express themselves.
- Eliminate distractions. Turn off the TV and your cell phones so everyone can be present.
- Communicate. Communicate clearly, gently, and directly with your words and eye contact. Imagine yourself in their shoes and come from a place of compassion. Don't press the matter if the person is not open to the discussion.
- Embrace emotions. Having a discussion about death and dying can be difficult. Let the person know you love them and have their best interest at heart. Permit them to express themselves freely and openly and to have a human experience. Embrace your own emotions. I cried the entire time when I wrote my Dad’s Living Will. I had never responded like that before.
- Be honest. Questions from all sides are encouraged. However, if you don’t know the answers, just say that. Don’t misinform people or give them false hope.
- Think ahead. Be supportive. Let them know that everyone has an end-of-life journey, and each journey is personal and unique. Then, ask them, “How do you want your end of life to look? If you could plan it, what would it look like?” This gives the person back control even though they don't have control over the fact that their life is ending.
Other questions you may want to consider:
- Where do you want to be?
- Who do you want to be with?
- Do you want hospice?
- Do you want to continue treatment?
- What does a perfect day look like to you?
- Are there any activities you would like to do?
- Are there any experiences you would like to have?
In the end, you can always choose. Let them know that they have a choice in some things. Many times, people feel helpless in these circumstances. Having a conversation about death and dying can reveal viable options to make their journey less painful and more purposeful. It also opens the door to see how you can facilitate those choices together.
